10 ways to ensure company failure before Christmas

Focus on cutting costs
Marks & Spencer announced it's slashing its marketing spend by 20 per cent (7 Nov 2008)
Cut your marketing budget so there is less chance of people finding you or understanding your offer. With any luck your customers will completely forget who you are and what you do. In the present unstable environment they may be asking “are they still in business?” or “I haven't heard from XXX for a while”. Falling sales are inevitable
You may as well cut training as well as it wont matter if you are capable of doing the job. Why develop your people if you are going to let them go?


Develop a healthy paranoia about your competitors
“Shooting is too good for my enemies”.
Spend your time plotting a masterful end for the company that pinched a contract (or market share) from under your nose.
“The artifact which is the source of your power is kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.”
All your time is spent making sure you fully protect your computer systems, your intellectual property, and you scan the papers looking for other companies passing off your product as theirs. Now you have stopped marketing you find you have more time for these activities

Carry on believing you are an expert in your business
"I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
You are a superior being – therefore you prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or gloat to your weaker enemies to show they pose no threat.
“You are seen flying into a rage and killing an advisor who brings you bad news just to illustrate how evil you really are.”
Employ advisors that you like and ensure that their opinions will be the same as yours.
“Porsche expected to take control of VW” (23rd October Daily Telegraph)
Never believe what you read in the newspapers. Never look for new information. Just keep taking advice from your advisors. They in turn are too petrified to give you anything other than good news, or news that you are right and everyone else is wrong.


Develop uncharacteristic new strategies
Employ your girlfriend (or boyfriend) to develop your new products or services rather than the experts you have carefully trained for the last few years.
“Microsoft Bob was designed for Windows 3.1x and Windows 95 and intended to be a user-friendly interface for Microsoft Windows, supplanting the Program Manager. At one point, the project was managed by Melinda French, who at the time was Bill Gates' girlfriend (the two later married).” Wikepedia
“I have a cunning plan” Baldrick
Put your energies into a plan for “the big one” that will solve all your problems. When that doesn't work you look for an “even bigger one”.You normally have some typical work that comes your way. It doesn't pay that well, or sort all your problems out. Why continue paying attention to it. Its hard work. So dump it.
And lastly never take your own medicine. If you advise people and always say the same things to them, don't actually do it yourself!
“On camera, a man was demonstrating the proper forklift safety techniques. Unfortunately, he did not practice proper forklift safety precautions. He was thrown from the forklift while exceeding the proper forklift speed and of course, not wearing a seatbelt.” Darwin awards 2000
If your business is still running after taking this advice, please tell us.